The Obsessed Programmer

The English language does not have terminology vulgar enough to describe the atrocity known as the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.

A month ago, Liliana and I submitted about 100 pages of paperwork to USCIS to request permission for her to work and eventually receive permanent residency in the United States. Today, I received a rejection notice on the I-765 Application for Employment Authorization. The reason it was rejected? “The application/petition was filed on an outdated version of this form.” The date it was rejected? “August 20, 2008.” The expiration date on the form I submitted? “08/31/2008.”

Here’s the best part: “If you have successfully filed the Form I-485 - Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status - on or after July 30, 2007, you can re-file this form with NO fee. You must also submit a copy of the Notice of Action notice for the accepted Form I-485 as evidence of the filing of Form I-485 with new fee(s).” The means that even though the reason our WHOLE stack of paperwork was rejected several months ago was that we had sent the fee for the I-765 when we didn’t have to, we now have to send a fee for the I-765 or WAIT until our I-485 is accepted, which may take months.

I’m incapacitated by the anger I have for the USCIS. I can’t get any work done. I could hardly stomach lunch.

One of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen in my life is the aspen forests of Park City turning colors in the fall. I can’t see the beauty in them right now. In fact, if the USCIS were a tree in that forest, I’d burn the whole forest to the ground to get the little prick.

If the USCIS were a beautiful flower, I’d put it in a Blendtec on Frappe for 2 minutes and feed it to my pet turtle. Then I’d kill the turtle and make soup. Then I’d take my next stool and burn it, and bury the ashes in a cursed Indian graveyard at midnight under a full moon.

If the USCIS were a brand-new 8-core workstation with 32GB of RAM, I’d install Windows ME on it and give it a 13″ CRT monitor. And I’d install McAfee’s antivirus on it.

If the USCIS were an iPod, I’d fill it with boy bands from the ’90s, put it on Repeat All, and bury it alive with speakers blaring and a 150-KWh battery backup.

If the USCIS were a movie I was producing, I’d hire Uwe Boll as director, and cast The Rock as the leading lady.

If the USCIS were a Sesame Street character, I’d grind him up, make cookies, and feed him to the Cookie Monster. Then the Cookie Monster would have a love affair with Bert (come on, you all know Bert’s into that kind of thing).

If the USCIS were a government agency, I’d bring a civil suit against the USCIS for Liliana’s lost wages between August 20th and whenever they decide to finally approve her work permit. Given the rate things are going, we might be able to recover YEARS of lost wages this way.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 15th, 2008 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.